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tv   midnight With Chris Hardwick  Comedy Central  September 21, 2015 11:00pm-11:32pm PDT

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d-- malory: god damn it! [ dial tone ] hello? darling? who was that? who are you-- comrade question? and who are you-- comrade questions? - comrade-- - oh, shut up. you and your erection. and why are there doughnuts everywhere?! - lana did that. - i-- do you want ants?! because that's how you get ants! 10:59 seconds, this happened on emmys.com today, the emmy awards from last night and congrats, first of all, huge congrats to jon stewart and amy schumer who both absolutely deserved. and i got to say, i think andy sanberg crushed it as host. he crushed it as well. it was a good a wart-- award show. but you know, sadly, i mean not to be a complainer but i think the biggest thing we noticed was this year's
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acceptance speeches were actually really good. i mean there is nothing really-- viala davis made an impassioned plea for-- jon hamm called for the acceptance of his penis when he tastefully humped the audience so, the speeches were-- unusually heartfelt and touching and in fact we're in this odd position of a comedy show of not having anything to make fun of which sucks. i mean where was the dinklage nip slip we were all hoping for. even tracy pore began was really awesome an touching and gave a nice speech. comedians, since last night's winners let us down with thoughtful words, i would like you to give a line from the worst acceptance speech you can imagine, jessica, start with i. >> ha ha, all y'all mother [bleep] can suck my dick. >> chris: all right. francis mcdormand. >> yes. >> chris: good, john hodgman. >> i want to say thank you to my poll and dad, my whole team, they are telling me to
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wrap it up. i love you. 9/11 was an inside job. >> chris: yeah. ron funches. >> i for one say it's time to boycott hollywood until there's more roles for straight, white, men. straight, white, men! straight, white, men. >> chris: finally. >> straight white men. straight white men. >> chris: finally. and in one of the only white guys in late night, oh no, i'm one of a hundred, it's time to start @midnight. (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central welcome to @midnight. this is very exciting. let's introduce our comedians, from "wrecked" coming soon to cbs, jessica lowe. (applause)
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performing at the barrymore theatre in madison, wisconsin, september 26th with john hodgman.com/tour, it's john hodgman, gosh darn it. and from season three returns line august 9th and appearing on every episode of @midnight this week. you asked for, it we gave it to you, bunches of funches. (applause) and goddamn it how do you make ron funches, puddle, you put him in some fleecey pajamas. let's start the program. ripped from the internethead lines, it's rapid refresh. let's start the show black mirror style this happened in england which is very merry indeed if you are a dead ping without is into
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oral. what are you saying, chris hardwick. according to a new book the prime minister put his penis in the mouth of a dead pig as part of a rich people's shenanigans when he-- i'm rich, i'm going to [bleep] a pig, you can't do anything about it. i mean what are you going to do? so the book call me dave is a new oink-all biography of cameron. i know, that joke was a little on the snout, i apologize. shut up, john hodgman. if you boo that joke you support dead pig [bleep]. >> i'll stand by it. >> chris: it claims the it took place while he was being initiated to the piers gaveston a secret society known for its pig [bleep], i guess. >> they were a pretty good all white funk band.
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100 points to ron funches. comedians, the brits are known for their clever slang. so what is a term they can use for this i lissity porcine activity. john hodgman. >> mucking a wig in the snout. >> that rhyming slang. >> points,. >> one in the pink. >> chris: yes, perfect, points. ron funches. >> over there that's what they call soccer. (laughter) >> chris: oh, wow. right in the old loo too. pig [bleep] is a gateway drug. >> ask kermit the frog. (applause)
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well, your honor, to be fair, the pig was dead when i arrived. (laughter) moving on, doority owes has introduced a new chip that might as well be called the coolest ranch it is rainbow colored to benefit the it et gos better project and to make going to the vending machine even more exciting for kim davis. (applause) >> i just don't understand why doority owes got to sleep together in a bag. eye of the tiger. >> chris: i what would be other socially conscious snacks? >>-- yz. >> chris: yes, points. mr. hodgman. >> red vines matter.
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>> chris: yes, points. ron funches. >> lgblt, that is a lesbian and gay bacon let us and tomato. >> i like it, i like it.úó >> chris: you deserve it. >> goddamn it, i love your jammies. ron funch that is the end of rapid refresh. it's now time for the hashtag wars. if there is one thing i learned from the job it is i'm unfunny and have a stupid face. also, whenever anything even remotely taylor swift related happens the internet
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freaks out like a dog on the fourth of july. in case in point the omg that took place after ryan adams released a new album of all swifty covers to turn those silky fairy anthem nass a whiskey ravaged k-hole soundtrack. so in honor of taking songs and changing just aological bit tonight's hashtag is oneletteroffsongs like we didn't shart the fire. or trap queef. i will put 60 second on the clock. begin. >> ron. >> baby got back. >> points. >> when dave's cry. >> jailhouse [bleep]. >> points. >> willie d. >> yes, points. >> turn down for hat. >> chris: points. it worked. >> airway to eve. >> chris: points.
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>> jessica. >> million bop one extra m in that. >> chris: yeah, perfect. that is the perfect place to end. send us your hashtags and tag those @midnight to keep the game going. we'll be right back with more@midnight. >> our tweet of the day from our last hashtag war was our last hashtag war was sent to us by@willdoingma. scott danshaw was never afraid of a good dare. ♪ or even a double dare.
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well company back to @midnight at 11:00. if you are's just joining us, ron funches is here all week as part of bunches of funches week. (applause) too many funches, too many funches. ron, we're so excited that you are doing this, but i didn't realize you were actually sleeping here. >> oh, yeah. (laughter) >> chris: so adorable. >> that was a good dream. >> chris: now its's time to play atlas shrugged.
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the google team photographing every inch of our vast planet and thanks to their work you can explore the alleyways of san francisco and possibly see a guy jerking it into a dumpster. all from the comfort of your own home. so i will show you a series of real images we found on google street view, for 250 points i want you to use them to give me directions. all right. let's get started. john hodgman, i'm lost. can you help me out here. >> oh, yeah. well, you just go down the road a piece an turn right and then you go past that spot where chris dumped all his unwanted babies. >> chris: oh my god. it never occurred to me. >> chris: okay, good. i got that. but next i got to go to this place, can you help me out. >> oh, yeah, well, if you go by junior bob training his big foot, you've got too far. >> chris: okay, good.
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>> and then i condition remember, do i turn right or left after this? i'm not sure where i'm supposed to go. >> you just keep going straight by the lazy morning. -- morning -- morgue. off the top of my head. >> chris: thank you, john, i surely will find my way with you in charge. 500 ponts for you. jessica, your turn. i need some directions, please. okay. >> first you're going to want to go down el chopo road past, it's just past dick cheney's gump. >> chris: okay, so i can't remember, where do i go next? >> okay. yeah, and then you're going to want to go, page a left past [bleep] think they're
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beta that sigma chi, bro, sigma chi, yeah, sigma chi, significant pa chi! those dicks can skuk it. >> chris: okay, gate after i pass those dicks, i can't remember, where do i go from there? >> okay. and then you will finally hit the florida border. >> chris: thank you. ron funches, i really need your help. i don't know where i'm going. >> i got you. all right, first, first you want to go straight six blocksing take a right, now if you reach the mortal kombat tournament you've gone too far. >> chris: all right. so i feel like then i take a left after that, i'm not 100 percent. >> you take a left, you go
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down eight mile road until you get to marshal mathers car. >> chris: yeah, oh, that's right.t=wyou know, this kid onls one shot. >> don't blow it. don't blow it. >> chris: okay. so after, then i keep going past that road and then i'm trying to get to this place. >> you know what, never mind, i'm hard boxing right out front. you can't miss me. >> chris: 500 points for ron for those directions. that brings us to the end of at laz shrugged. it's time for our live challenge, trollin in the wind. presidential can dt and fracky planetoid donald trump participated in a twitter q & a using the #asktrump. as he is won't he spouted off contentless jingoistic
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content without the grace of a divorced uncle ruining thanksgiving after having too many blackberry schnapps, like this. >> we will have a strong, strong nation and one that really people are going to >> chris: he's not saying anything, he's not saying anything. he sounds like a kid running for senior class president. we're going to do stuff, this country is going to be great, go america, go america! the response to some the obvious troll baiting like this one. >> really, though who let the dogs out, ask trump. here say clip of trump's press secretary dealing with those unwanted tweets. (laughter)
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cutest murder ever. >> he made that choice, you know, at this moment he thought about it and then was like i got to kill. we all about been there, you know. >> chris: yeah, that's right. comedians, because the orange one was too proud to answer these yearies, will you did do it for us. we will got you to tell us how you think trump would respond. we'll get your answers after the break and be back with the break and be back with more @midnight. t-mobile now extends your coverage beyond the borders at no extra charge. get 4g lte data in mexico and canada just like in the u.s. and call and text as much as you want to and from the united states, mexico, and canada. you heard right! unlimited calls to any phone - even mobile... in mexico and canada for free! it's included with simple choice plans. only t-mobile gives you coverage and calling in three countries
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>> chris: welcome back to @midnight. oh, good. i enjoy this energy from you. well done. before the break, i showed some delightful trolling that took place during donald trump's twitter q & a. i asked you to answer the question he didn't get around to because he -- [bleep] feel like it. jessica, why do i always get such bad gas when i have pms #asktrump. >> to you this is very personal, to me, you pay have noticed my mouth looks exactly like a butt hole.
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that's because it actually is. and everything i say is a fart. also, women are losers, vote trump. >> chris: all right. very you know -- for him. >> thank you. >> chris: john hodgman,your question is, when are you going to die #asktrump. >> honestly, i see no evidence that death is a real thing. i honestly, honestly just see a bunch of losers an haters giving up. me, i'm getting human stem cells injected it into my eyes daily and i'm more [bleep] than ever. go vote trump. >> chris: ron, would you touch a poop for $120. >> would i touch a poop for $20. how do you think i got where i am today? i'm just kidding. i don't touch anything brown.
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vote trump! >> chris: nice. a thousand to ron, 500, 1250 as we go to our next game. cooklyn. cooklyn. the insufferable foodie movement more insufferable than in brooklyn where every restaurant menu is full of kale, pork belly toast and more ramps than you find at a wheelchair testing facility. a hilarious menu generator mocks these flannel clad chef with made up artisinal nonsense like salt waffle rub seaweed and miniature bison. give me as many cloying, overly precious bruise lyn bar menus choices. really make people want to bunch you. >> mimosa strained through a beard. >> chris: points. ron. >> artisinal cup of really not giving a [bleep].
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>> chris: points. jessica. >> 11-year-old mumford shavings. >> chris: points. >> ironic appreciation of disco fries. >> chris: points. >> hodgman. >> your parent's life savings spread over arugula. >> chris: funches. >> man buns. >> chris: points. >> a vintage can of pound dain-- mountain dew reclaimed from the sold oda machine and the factory we turned into moss. >> chris: ron. >> ginger fried green tomatoes. >> chris: perfect. that is the end of cooklyn. >> so good. >> chris: jessica lowe, you are barely in third pace but you played a wonderful game. i'm sorry i must eliminate you. do you have any last wores. >> this has been funning thanks for having me, i'll see you guys later. >> chris: yeah, all right, thank you, jessica. red light.
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that means it is time to rise from your grave, it's for the win. all right. the story surprising no one in the daily mail is reporting a service exists called dead social which allows users to continue updating facebook after they die. so comedians come up with the status update you post after you die. we'll have our comedian's answers and name a winner when we come back on @midnight what up, everyone! it's your girl, lilly singh. and today's video is all about- dad: we watching video?! oh man, i can watch video all day. i say just one, but then i'm watching video and then it's video inside of video. i click that one. click, click, click, click, click.
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old spice bearglove is the bow!! bearglove! oops. swagger.
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>> welcome back to @midnight. at 11:00. bunches of funches week, it's time for for the win. i will wipe your scores clean, wipe, wipe, wipe. i will read your answer as loud. you guys will decide the winner. before the break i told you about dead social and a on-line service that allows to update your facebook after you die. so your friends can be like oh, he's not really dead, oh wait, yes, he is i asked you to come up with the stat us update from beyond the grave. let's see your answers. first one, as i was texting before i plowed into that school bus, the kardashians are total ugos. pause plaus or or this could be us but i'm dead #death squad goals riga more 'tis
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on fleek. (applause) >> chris: sounds like number two. whohg was number two. >> john hodgman! >> chris: oh my god. he needed it more than you did, ron, he needed this more than you did. >> i don't understand. this is what winning feels like. >> i done like it. >> chris: you we'll see you tomorrow when the guests are doug benson, justin william and ron funches. keep tweeting with your hashtags to be tomorrow's tweet of the day, larry wilmore is up next. i'm@nerdist. good >> larry: tonightly, donald trump is under fire for not correcting a supporter who said obama's a muslim. though in trump's defense, he does think obama's a muslim. what are you going to do? ben carson son refuses to apologize after saying a muslim shouldn't be president. i haven't seen a doctor double
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